We just gave each other the crumbs. Whatever was left over at the end of the day, after our careers, the kids, and what everyone else needed from us… that’s what we gave each other. Instead of steak, we ate the crumbs off the floor, and then we wondered why we drifted apart.
It’s no wonder, looking back, that my first marriage ended in divorce. I was a professional, driven man married to a professional, driven woman. We had twins, and without a whole lot of help, we focused all the energy we had after work on them. We did the best we could with what we had and worked hard to create a great life for our kids. That’s what families were supposed to do. We spent hardly any time investing in “us” or working on “us” or being “us.”
Then, one day, there was no more “us.”
It was easy, during my divorce, to push the blame onto my ex. Directing my frustrations and anger back on her was a lot easier than accepting my own role in the demise of my marriage. Then, over time, I shifted into some neutral thinking and got real about the circumstances I had created in my marriage that led us down the path we shared.
I was driven. I was motivated. I had places I wanted to go professionally. I had goals. I was focused.
Read that again. “I,” “I,” “I”…
There wasn’t much “we” included in our lives back then, and if there was, “we” always included the kids. As a couple, we gave each other our crumbs.
If you’re reading this right now, you might find yourself in the same position we were in. You think you’re focusing on all of the right things, but when it comes to the most important human relationship you have, you’re sharing crumbs. You’re settling for the leftovers when you could be having steak.
Reality check… You don’t need to settle.
Go home tonight and do something to bring your significant other your best. Get intentional about your relationship and let them know how much it matters to you. Don’t let the busyness of life and work, or your focus on giving it all to your kids, hijack one of the most valuable things in your life. Instead, invest in “we.”
I am trying to do this in my marriage to Cristina… I am working hard not to give her my crumbs. It’s challenging, and there are plenty of times that I fail. There are plenty of days where running a business and raising teenagers hijacks my attention. But, my past experience has heightened my awareness in this area, and by sharing this here, I hope it heightens yours as well.
The Takeaway
Bring them steak today. No crumbs.
Ready for more?
I hope this quick take on relationships is helpful to you. You can follow me here for more insights like this one. And if you liked this, you’ll also get massive value out of the Grit Meets Growth podcast that I share with Chris Cathers. Find it here or on your favorite podcast platform, and let’s all quit settling for life’s crumbs! – John
